10-25-2007

...so then I walked away from home with nothing but my pajamas on... a small T-shirt and short-shorts... I didn't even have any shoes to cover up those recent scars.

I ran across streets... walking along a road medium... I held myself back from jumping in front of the passing cars. It seemed SO easy to die...

I ran to Eric's house... and got there just a little past 1:00AM. I traveled for only an hour... detouring myself so my parents wouldn't find me... if they were even looking for me...

but I spent the last 4 hours debating if I should ring his doorbell.

...so I sat outside his house on the green for 4 hours. His windows were dark like no one was there... or everyone was sleeping. I waited for something I didn't know... and I didn't know what to do...

To walk back home... almost nearing 1:00AM... It wouldv'e been another 2 mile walk.

Or press that button to hear that ringer... calling the people inside to wake up for my sake... I didn't want to bother them with my emotional actions to get away... it wouldn't have been fair...

So I retraced my steps back to that road again... and that medium... a couple minutes away... I tried to kill myself... but the drivers were too quick witted to hit me... or maybe because I gave them too much time... maybe, subconsciously, I didn't want to die.

...so I walked back to Eric's house, it looking as it did before I left. The doorbell was pressed upon... there were more tears... a call to my mother... and more fucking discovered confessions of secrets... more yelling... another attempt to run away... All In 30 minutes... to trying to killing myself with another confused driver... to sleeping on the wet grass for another hour...

It just hurts too much to breathe.
And now...
Currently...
I'm daydreaming of my next attempts at death...
I'm dreaming of my successful suicide.